Enjoy this latest istallment of confirmed carnivore Alan Briskin’s hilarious experiment with healthy, fish-based eating. – ED
I made my first trip to the grocery store as a Pescetarian.
Back when I was a carnivore, I rarely made it into the produce section at all. As a matter of fact, I could go for weeks without eating anything that grew in dirt. My preference was always for foods beautifully wrapped in cellophane – I figured that way I wouldn’t risk botulism or ebola. Friends referred to me as a gourmet of the drive-thru window, a moniker I did little to live down.
But now my shopping list included foreign entries like sprouts, tofu, tempeh and something apparently called “broccoli.” I couldn’t get over the beautiful colors here: red, orange and yellow peppers; brilliantly green…other stuff. All of a sudden I heard the far-away call of some exotic bird, and I noticed that my pants had become misted with what seemed to be the organic tears of the angels who oversee that section of refrigerated produce. What the ?!?
For some strange reason, there appeared to be more “Free Range Children” in the fruit and vegetable aisle than anywhere else in the store. Moms were busily squeezing apples, peeling corn, sniffing honeydew melons and pressing the soft spots on cantaloupes (which reminded me of the water bubble on my cousin’s head when he was a baby.) The kids all had lollipops or ice cream crammed into their mouths (obviously meant to distract them from the healthy business afoot), and were RUNNING or SKIPPING, which created two distinct problems:
1) I hope that little bugger doesn’t wipe those slimy fingers on my freshly-misted trousers, and
2) Don’t these Moms know that their kids aren’t supposed to run with that stuff in their mouths?!?
Number 1 wasn’t so bad, because I could re-mist if necessary. But Number 2….not so easy. Who wants to apply CPR to a face covered in bubblegum-flavored gelato?
My evolution is still young. New experiences every day.